Saturday, March 26, 2011

My Love Story

Two months prior to the doctor telling me I had ALS, I walked out of a six-year relationship with... well l reference him as Double F. I vomit a little when I say his name. I bring this short story up because I lost faith in fairly tale love because of Double F. In a nutshell after two years of suspicious calls on my phone bills made by Double F and after two years of lies, I found his "home made double f videos" on his hard drive and his love letters to "suspicious phone number on bill." I was sick and in shock. Two years of lies. I knew our relationship was rocky and I gave him many opportunities to walk away, but Double F was a coward and stayed stringing me along. After three days of fasting and a few thousand pounds of grief I felt the grace of relief. He hurt me deeply enough that I could proudly leave and turn all the love I was foolishly giving to him, and bestow it back upon myself. Where it belonged. I had to experience this gutterral grief and betrayal because in hindsight the Man upstairs was preparing me for a much greater battle and I was to be given a much greater man.

Jason is the stepbrother of my BFF. I knew of him for about four years prior to us getting together. We maybe spoke a handful of times running into eachother at parties and at my BFF's family events. After moving into my new apartment, Jason and I started spending time together over the usual Starbucks, Cold-stone Creamery, movie, or breakfast at Polly's Pies. He made it very clear that we should just stay friends before jumping in to a romantic relationship because of my prior break-up. He was taking it slow and I was falling in love.

ALS was lightly discussed between us. I was walking funny and told him about my risk, but we were easily able to put it on the back burner and enjoy our little fling. After many dumbass dummy dumb doctors I finally met the one who confirmed the ALS. All I could think of was Jason. How could I do this to him? Put myself in his life just to be taken out of it. Would he even want to hang around with a dying girl? Why would he emotionally invest in a relationship where only heartache is in his future? I was prepared to end it. I was prepared for Jason to walk away from these awful circumstances. I was prepared to never have a committed life partner. I was prepared to die without a marriage, vows, or a family of my own.

When the news of my diagnosis settled I worked up the strength to see him, knowing I might not see him again. It was a crisp November night as we sat next to one another looking up at a clear midnight navy sky with glittering stars. I explained my plans move across state and be with my family. How I would have to be taken care of 24/7 and I would understand if he wanted to walk away from our fling. Overwhelmed with the spirit of living in now, he told me he loved me and gave me our real first kiss. He promised to care for me where ever I went and love me for the rest of his life and hold my hand through the end of mine. He vowed to love me in sickness, in bad times, to honor and protect me. Not until death do us part, but for eternity. Two and a half years later he has left his job, home, family, friends, and moved 300 miles. Holding true to his promises, showing his true love. It was greater than any marriage proposal or exchange of vows. How could anyone compete with that? Then I knew he is my angel sent by God, and all things happen by Him for a reason.

Oh, and in case you were wondering double f stands for f&%# face.